Taking it Personally

So my next blog posts were going to be about Pierce's first birthday and his 12 month update...however some sweet friends were asking me how tantrums at my house were going (remember this post?). So now my mind is thinking and I wanted to write it down while it was fresh in my brain...

I have a unique experience as a parent because I spent a lot of time with young children before I had my own. I absolutely LOVED (and still love) being an early childhood educator. It is my passion and my calling. Being a teacher is something that makes my heart beat. So I expected parenting to be very similar to teaching...and over the last few years I have realized for me being a teacher is MUCH easier than being a parent. This is for several reasons, one of them being this: as a teacher you learn not to take things personally.

Let me elaborate. When I am in the classroom and a child throws a tantrum I look at the behavior as a sign for something else. Are they frustrated? Are they hungry/tired? Do they feel out of control...meaning is this a power struggle? Then I try and give them the tools to help solve the problem. I see the behavior for what it is and I leave it at that. Now please don't get any funny ideas that  I (or other teachers) can't have bad days or don't second guess myself but I generally didn't take it personally.

As a parent it is a totally different story for me. I am not sure exactly why but when my child throws a tantrum (especially in public) it feels like a reflection on me. Am I doing something wrong? Why is she disobeying ME? She is deliberately pushing MY buttons. She knows I don't want her to do that. Everything becomes very personal. Once it becomes personal my emotions are quickly tied into it and frustration easily kicks in. I then react out of frustration and the tantrums usually escalate and leave me drained, upset and guilty.

Remember when I said in my last post (see above) that they suggested staying calm...and I was kind of annoyed about it...because it is HARD. I have been reflecting on that and realize it is hard because I have been taking it so personal. I have not stopped and thought about the behavior for what it is. Is she hungry? Ok, then give her a snack. Is she frustrated? Ok, help talk her through the problem? Is she upset because she didn't want to leave her friends house? Ok, give her a hug and sympathize...it does suck to leave when you were having fun. Is it a power struggle? Ok, how can you give her some power back? Is she just being difficult? Ok, how can I break this down in manageable sections to get the results I need from her?

I have been practicing this a lot more the last few weeks and it has been helping tremendously! Have the tantrums stopped...NOPE. HAHAH! Has my energy increased...YUP! Why???? Because I am more focused on helping her than I am on wondering what I am doing wrong...then feeling guilty and frustrated. It is still hard...oh yes. Am I still humiliated when she throws a huge tantrum in public....of course. But if I just take a step back and try to focus on the behavior alone I feel like I have so much more control on the situation. I am then able to help give her some control of the situation and the tantrums are manageable for BOTH of us.

Anyway that is how tantrums are going at my house!